Thursday, June 30, 2005

The Mesimer / Warren Nuptials

Well, we're back from our tour of the lower southeastern United States. I think we must have driven close to 2000 miles in the last seven days. But, it was a good trip. We saw both families and had the pleasure of standing in the Mesimer / Warren wedding! I wanted to put some pictures up for you, but our computer is acting a fool. It was a beautiful wedding and Holly looked gorgeous! Nobody cried, but Glen came close. He totally did the shaky jaw thing. The ceremony was short, but sweet:
"Do you?"
"Do you?"
"You're Married. Give 'er this ring and kiss 'er."

And there was some crazy partyin' goin' on at the reception. She picked a lively bunch. We all did the Q-tip, a la "Hitch." (If you haven't seen it yet, get off your behonkus and go rent it...NO! Buy it, because you'll watch it over and over and over again!) There was "Footloose," the electric slide, some crazy cha cha song that tells you what to do, "Cotton Eye Joe," and even a train toward the end of the night. Luckily, the Macarena never made an appearance. And what party is complete without Ice Ice Baby--and everybody sang along! Terrel insists that I also mention the chicken wings--everybody liked the chicken wings.

I have some great pictures and I'll do my best to post them soon. Great fun was had by all!

Addendum: And if I just totally honked you off with my church trends rant the other day, or if you've developed strong questions about my character or the state of my eternal soul, please read my final comment for that day. ;)

Monday, June 27, 2005

Summer Reading

Since my last post was unbelievably long and painfully serious, I will make this short and sweet. I give to you, "Summer Reading."

Remember when you were in grade school and your teacher gave you the crummiest list of books you had to read over the summer! Or your mom signed you up at the public library for the summer reading program. And you were all, "Dang it!" I passed a table at Barnes and Noble today that presented several selections for summer reading. I was surprized at what I found there. Pilgrim's Progress...never read that. Their Eyes Were Watching God...check. Read that. Brave New World...ok, half. I never quite made it all the way through. There were so many great books that I've never read! Classics!

Now that I've been parolled I am so excited to have the opportunity to read some of those great books that it gauled me to read when I was younger. I just finished Pride and Prejudice and I'm about to start Ivanhoe. Machiavelli's The Prince is waiting in the wings. Other than the classics, there's the opportunity to read some of that "Good Stuff" that I couldn't get to during seminary. Luther, Augustine, C.S. Lewis...and so many others.

Take some time this summer (after the summer classes are done with) and just read a good book that has no requirements attatched to it. Go to B&N, get a cup of coffee and act all snooty as you enjoy some summer reading!

( it wasn't so short after all.)

Sunday, June 26, 2005

"Church in the Now"

As Terrel and I were driving through Conyers, GA this weekend, we passed a larger sized church with a sign out front designating it simply as "Church in the Now." Wow. Does that not speak volumes about the growing trends in churches of today!? In a society that is so totally self-absorbed, even churches are tending to become more and more isolated. The church of today wants nothing to do with larger associations or denominations, seeks to remain far separated from the past, and is in a constant, hard-nosed competition with other churches in its area.

More and more, churches are proclaiming themselves to be "non-denominational," claiming only to believe what the Bible says, and relying on that to provide all accountabity. After the past three years in seminary, I can understand the desire to move away from any kind of denominational influence and the politics involved. It is hurtful and disillusioning to be caught up in the bitterness and confusion of church conflict. However, wherever there is power, wherever there is leadership, wherever there is money, wherever there is a platform or pulpit, there will be politics. No church can avoid it. Abandoning the association does not necessarily solve problems. There is benefit in the accountability provided there. While I do not always agree with the methods of the Southern Baptist leadership, for example, I understand and agree with their motiviation. I am not implying that a non-denominational church is wrong in any way, I am simply saying that the trend of non-denominationalism (I think I just made up a word) is dangerous and could lead to a lack of defined theology which opens the door for incorrect doctrine or loose doctrine at best. However, some of the finest bodies of believers that I have been involved with have been non-denominational (Chapel on the Campus in Baton Rouge, LA). To me the danger is not in the nature of the non-denominational church itself, but the trend.

The church today sometimes absolutely infuriates me. I must be honest. There are times when I sit in church and we sing the same P&W song we've been singing for the past three months and I look out in the congregation and see only a handful of people really worshiping God. Of course, the chruch always tries to appease us traditional folks by singing a hymn somewhere in the service, thus making it a mixed worship service. During that hymn I see the church body perk up a little bit. I see people singing along.

I know what your we go on another "worship wars" rant. Not so fast! Hear me out! Once again, my problem is not with P&W itself, but with the trend. When churches do it right, and their heart is really in it, P&W (and I speak in terms of music type alone, referring to modern choruses) can be an awesome, liberating time of "loving on" God. For that congregation, it works. But just because it works at Saddleback or Prestonwood, that doesn't mean it has to work in every single congregation. Churches can be as different as people are. I think as Christians, we should be able to worship and praise God in all different kinds of settings, from liturgical to charismatic (as long as there is a sort of Pauline sense of order). Wherever God is being exalted the Christian heart should rejoice! But the trend is taking over and all Christians are being forced into the modern church mold. Congregations that would benefit more from hymns and a more traditional setting are being forced to change. And why...competition.

Churches today are competing with one another. They're adopting slogans like, "A healing church for a hurting world." Because no other churches out there have the capacity to heal. Or try, "Exciting Generic Church Name." Because all other churches are so incredibly boring. "Church in the Now." Because any connection to our heritage only mires us in the antiquated, outdated, obsolete methods of the past. (Note the sarcasm.) It amazes me how gaudy church signs have become. You might find the face of a beautiful old church marred by a glowing neon sign with a scrolling marque. Because a seeker might completely miss the huge building with the steeple on it if they came looking. Listen, folks, if someone wants to go to church that bad, they'll find it. Besides, God doesn't need a scrolling marquee to remind people that they ought to be in church on Sunday morning. Nope. Call me synical, but its all about competition. Now that the mega church has become a trend, people are traveling rediculous distances to go to First Non-Denominational Church of What's Happenin' Now. (Mega churches may claim large numbers of converts, but the fact of the matter is that much of their growth comes through transfer of letter as well.) Man's mind has taken over as churches struggle to keep their financial heads above water and the leadership of God is left behind. Music style is the first to go, "We gotta update our music program. We need to transition our church!" Theology is next, "We gotta start preaching more topically. And no more hell, fire, and brimstone, it might offend people." All words over two syllables are nixed, "These messages are too complicated. We don't wanna make people think to hard." Forget any kind of a dress code, "People don't like to get dressed up. Lets go to tee-shirts and jeans. Besides, I like lookin at teenage girls' bellybutton rings. Them low-slung jeans really make me feel spiritual." It hurts because its honest.

There are mornings when I sit in church and I literally get sick to my stomach. So much little God. The reality is that it doesn't matter what the church looks like as long as God's in charge. The trends have got to go. Churches can be as different as people are. Think about it, it makes sense. There is a beautiful, wonderful diversity in God's creation. Why would anyone want to stifle the creative beauty of God by forcing all of that diversity to act and look the same? Let the liturgical church be liturgical, only make God the head of it! Let the charismatic church be charismatic, only let God lead! Let the cowboys be cowboys and praise like cowboys do...but don't go creating a service especially for that, just let it happen where it may. There is a thin line between remaining relavent and being palatable. The fact of the matter is that the church of today is changing more for the purpose of being palatable to the modern world, all in the name of remaining relevant. Read Acts--they didn't change to please the world around them. They loved God, praise and proclaimed Jesus (Despite the great cost!), loved and shared with one another, and reached out to the community around them. They met needs. The cared for people and showed them God's love by getting their hands dirty and helping them! This is how they were relevant. This is how they added to their numbers.

Let me tell you one thing. If the church of today would just get of its blessed assurance and get its hands dirty, people would stand up and take notice! But we wouldn't want to get our Prada stilettos dirty or our Armani whatever snagged. If preachers would stop cowering in the corner and step up to the plate (or the pulpit, take your pick) and just preach the word of God without worrying about who might or might not join their church, somebody out there might learn some theology. Pastors should be preaching themselves out of a job! They should be equipping the members of their flock to understand the Bible, to be well versed in theology, to be able to understand and explain doctrine. People should be able to study the Bible for themselves! When preachers refuse to preach anything deeper than get saved, fellowship with believers, read your bible, pray every day, go to church, and tithe, they cripple the sheep. They grow shallow believers! The body of Christ desperately wants to be challenged! If they expect to experience any kind of real change in their lives, the kind that exhilerates, exites, and fills with joy, they've got to get uncomfortable! They've got to move out of that cushy pew seat of a comfort zone. When the pastors of today get up and preach shallow, lifeless, fluffy, you're ok-I"m ok sermons from the pulpit, people think that's all there is! Doing this cripples the people and takes the power to truly know and understand God's word out of their hands, just as much as if you took the Bible away from them. Its really not that different from the church before the reformation. People don't need Bibles anymore--its on the screens. They can't understand it anyway--we never taught them how. And our message has become just as scewed and politically driven as the message of the early Catholic church. Are we willing to make up doctrine to maintain prominence? Are we willing to cripple the people to maintain power? I'm not.

Blogger Shout Out

Hey, my girl Rachel has a blog. Its in my Blogger Friends list under Yellow Fancy. Her sight promises to be an encouragement! She is so open and honest with her feelings--she's real! I have truly benefited from her friendship and I always leave encouraged whenever I see her! Give her a look-see!

Also, stay tuned for pictures of the Mesimer-Warren nuptuals! The wedding was beautiful and Holly was absolutely stunning! Congratulations Glen, and Best Wishes, Holly! May God richly bless your marriage!

Thursday, June 23, 2005


My sister makes up words. She operates out of a dictionary that exists only in her mind to which none of the rest of us have access. My family has lovingly termed these strange utterings "Meghanisms." Last night she was extra-specially prolific. Here are just a few jems she dropped on us at the fish fry:
"That scares the pee han out of me!" (Uh, I don't want to know what a pee han is!)
"He's a derk wad." (A combination of jerk wad and dork.)
"That hurts like the b'gees manees!"
"Move your essens!"
"He is so ignatiating!"
She's even making up animals! Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the most recent concoction from the mind of Meghan: Dumb as a moose, big as a hippo, its hippopoto-moose! (There's a song to go with that one, complete with hand motions! She even had my dad singing it.)

Aren't younger siblings great. Meghan has always been very creative when it comes to expressing herself. When we were younger she would sit around and make up songs. As all siblings do, we faught like cats and cats. When Meghan got really mad at me she would stand at the doorway of my room and sing operas to me about how much she hated me and how evil I was. That was some awesome recitative! I wish I had gotten some of that on tape--it would have been great for a laugh! Ah, those where the days...Its good to be home.

Addendum: I love you, Meggie! Your little quirks are part of your whimsicle charm! Don't ever change--You can pronounce Neutrogena any way you like!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Big Weezie!

Greetings from the big Weezie! Terrel and I are in Baton Rouge for a day or two, one of the many stops on our progressive trip to Atlanta to be in the Mesimer-Warren wedding. Though the time is definitely short, its good to be home.

The day has been pretty uneventful. Coffee with the fam in the AM, a visit to Dad's veterinary clinic, a fish fry (complete with emergency run to Albertson's for Crisco), and blue berry dumplings to top it all off a la mode. While we were at Dad's office, we met an 18 lb cat that needs a home, and agreed to take her with us when we move to Birmingham. She's really sweet, but she definitely qualifies as morbidly obese! We're going to name her "Jumbo-laya."

In other news, another assistant band director job has come open in the Jefferson County school district. Terrel called today and left a message for the principal. We're supposed to hear back from him tomorrow. I'm really hoping that perhaps God is orchestrating the timing of our trip so that we'll pass back through Birmingham at a time when we might squeeze in an interview. Please pray for us!

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Making Introductions

Hey guys, I just wanted to introduce you to a couple of my favorite "Blog friends." Ol Boy's Page belongs to my beloved husband. Visit his site if you like to talk sports! Meggie's Novels is my sister's page. Visit her if you want to talk Louisiana College. Jaytee's Crazy Mess belongs to a fellow student and circ. desk worker at Bowld Music Library, Jeff Tilden. Visit him if you need a little side-splitting laughter. He's really tongue-in-cheek. There are three Xanga sites. These are Baton Rouge peeps. Laura has been one of my best friends since the 5th grade! She's probably got some good dirt on me. Meghan is my sister...again (she keeps two, I guess she's got a lot to say), and Jonathen is her boyfriend. He's quite the whitmeister, so its definitely worth a look. So, I've made some job here is done!

Monday, June 20, 2005

Don't go to Oxford!

Last night I had a sort of reaccurring dream. I drempt that I was in England, but only for a very short time. I desperately wanted to visit Oxford, just for the day. Terrel was with me and I wanted to show him all over the city. During my entire dream I was trying to fit in a visit, but I just couldn't make it happen.

Three years ago, summer of 2002, I had the opportunity to go to Oxford with SWBTS for three weeks. Wow, what an amazing adventure! What an enlightening trip. It was a summer that truly changed me and grew me as a person and a Christian. I made so many great friends within that group of students: Jamie Moore, Jessica Hobough Moore, Chris McKinney, Laura Eckerd, and I'd like to think that I might call Dr. Crutchly a friend...but that also might be a little presumptuous of me. Ever since that summer I have longed to go back. I really do have dreams like the one I just described above all the time. More than anything, I want to take Terrel there so that he can share it with me! For three weeks we roamed Oxford almost every day and we got to know it well. I think I just grew to love it because it was so other-worldly to me. Everything there is so old. History surrounds you at all times! When I was young, I used to think that antebellum was old...but now, it seems like the timeline of America is merely a single footprint in the walk of history. There was so much to learn there and so much to see. Every day we were learning about heros of the faith, walking where they walked, and reverencing them on the very spots where they gave their lives. Maryrdom, sacrifice, struggle, true love of God and heroic faith came alilve for me! Oh how I miss it and long to go back!

Be forewarned. If you go to Oxford you will absolutely fall in love with it and you will always want to go back. Your dreams will forever be haunted by castles, old stone walks, crown jewels, ruins, stone walls, green mountains speckled with sheep (ok, that was Scotland), abbies, tombs, old books, and hundreds of other sights and sounds that you will carry back with you. If you go, don't take pictures, because you'll look at them and wish that you were still there. Don't buy a tee shirt because you'll wear it all the time and refuse to wash it because it might take the English air out of it. I haven't been this heartbroken since I lost my first love! Here I am, a relatively rational young woman who has managed to make it to her 27th year without accumulating any debt--not even school debt, and I have two degrees. But, talk about going to Oxford and I am ready to amass any debt necessary to return. Don't go to Oxford...unless your ready to love it for the rest of your life! ;)

Sunday, June 19, 2005

The Greatest Daddy a girl could ask for!

Dad makes pies. Posted by Hello
Everyone, meet my dad! He makes the world's best chocolate pies, no lie! This man is awesome. I can't imagine that anyone could meet him and not like him instantly! He has given so much to my mother, sister and me! He is an awesome man of God! Hooray for awesome dads today! I love you, daddy!

Here comes trouble!

Here comes trouble Posted by Hello
Meet Terrel's dad (middle) and his older brother, Tommy (left). What a great group of men! Tommy has two children of his own now! These two guys are awesome! They've both loved Terrel so well and have contributed so much to the man that he has become! Hooray for Fathers-in-law and older brothers who are now dads themselves! We love y'all! Happy father's day!

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Chris, this one's for you...

Earlier this week I was informed by one of you blog-crazy people that I needed to update my blog. Of course, I realize that this was in reference to posting, but I would like you to stop and take a look around. Glance at the sidebar. Notice that there are two new link sections: one for all of you, and then one for my favorite sites. I know you're all thinking, "So what, I have one of those too." To you, this is no big news. But for me, its huge! I am the most technoligically inept human being on the planet. I'm not even sure how the DVD player in my bedroom works. Remote controls are just beyond me. And I don't even want to think about what might happen if I had one of those new fangled camera phones! But today I woke up with new resolve. I came to work (where I have absolutely nothing to do) determined to figure this thing out. I went onto the help pages and learned all about my little blog. Then, I opened up the template window and set out to really update my blog. Now I have links to all of your pages! That's so great! Be proud of me! I deserve mad props! I haven't made this much technological progress since I learned how to IM. Great Greasy Gramma, I'm impressed with myself today.

Now, if only I could figure out how to get my picture in that little profile thingy....

Friday, June 17, 2005

Birmingham, here we come!

Well, after much deliberation and prayer, Terrel and I have finally decided that its time to pack it up and move to Birmingham, AL. We are moving in faith that this is where God has called us to go and that he will provide a job for us when we get there. While we're waiting we'll live with his family in the basement. Its fortunate that I absolutely love the feel of shag carpeting between my toes.

There are two job prospects in the Birmingham area. Both are assistant band director positions in Jefferson county. Terrel always says that in education its all about who you know, and he knows some people, so he stands a pretty good chance of getting one of the jobs. Its a scary move, and I feel like we're taking a big chance, but maybe that's what God is looking for from us--committment. Even though we've been in contact with other institutions about other jobs, none of them seem to fit. We don't have a sense of peace about them. On top of all of that, we need to find a place where we can put down roots and find a little stability. I would hate to move to a whole new place and get settled in with the knowledge that in three to five years, we'll be moving again. We'd like to settle a little closer to family and we'd like to settle for quite some time. It's almost too much to hope that we'd be able to get a little house in a year or so. As you all know from my previous postings, I'm 27--I'm not getting any younger. There's this overwhelming feeling of "It's time." Time for what, I'm not sure, but I know it means stability, committment, maturity, and family.

Please pray for Terrel. He is such a good man and he works to hard to take care of me. I know that his biggest fear is that he might "fail me" (his words, not mine) and wind up without a job. I know that having a relatively new wife is a responsibility that weighs heavily on his mind. All that he wants to do is make me happy and take care of me. Who could ask for more? His faith in God to provide a job for us is amazing--he has the best attitude about our move. Please pray that God will send people to encourage him and advise him with wise counsel. Pray that God will provide a job for him in which he can be a powerful influence for Christ. Terrel feels that the public school system is his mission field and would like to teach band. I have seen his resolution, and I know that he feels strongly about his call to teach music. Please continue to pray for his peace of mind. He hasn't been sleeping well--even though he doesn't always show it, I can tell that he is worried. And, finally, I ask that you pray for me, that I will be an encouragement to him and that I will be faithful to lift him up in prayer. Please pray that I will be a good wife to him and that I will honor God in my marriage.

Thank you for your prayers and support. Thank you for your friendship. Thank you for your encouragement.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Not Guilty!?

Well, today the world got the answer its been waiting for...Michael Jackson: not guilty on all counts. Newscasters said that the cheers of the crowd waiting outside the courthouse were deafening. A woman actually stood there and released one white dove for every "not guilty" verdict as they were announced. All of that over some 40+ celebrity who's career has most likely seen its best days. This is what excites these people. This is what elicits jubilation. This is what has captured the attention of the American populous, at the very least.

A not guilty verdict. It made me think of Christ. He did not receive such a favorable reply. He was found guilty and punished in the most brutal way imaginable. No matter what one's opinion is on the Jackson case, the fact of the matter is that Christ was innocent. Not only that, but he was absolutely sinless. He was not only innocent in reference to the charges brought against him, but he was innocent in the ultimate sense. This is something that no other human being can claim. However, there is a way that, though wholly unworthy of such a verdict, we can appear before God without fear of reproach. A "not guilty" verdict is available to each and every human being, no matter what the earthly authorities say about them. Placing one's faith in Christ means approaching the throne of God with confidence because we have received forgiveness and a clean record through the blood of Christ. As on of my favorite professors, Dr. Tim Pierce, once said, "That's grace, y'all!"

But there are no crowds jumping around whooping and hollerin' over Jesus. The world doesn't celebrate when a lost soul comes to Christ and receives the ultimate "not guilty" verdict. In fact, its just the opposite. The world recoils in disgust at one so ignorant and uneducated who could be so naiive as to accept such an antiquated, foolish, laughable, fairy tale of a relgion. They scorn and disdain this one who has found the greatest freedom available to mankind, while they celebrate the release of a man they hardly know who has found only a temporary freedom. Who is Michael Jackson to them? The self-proclaimed King of Pop? In the grand scheme of things he is nothing. How can they practically worship him, and yet laugh at believers who have placed their souls in the hands of the King of Kings!? This world never ceases to amaze me. How can anyone watch the footage of the crowds today and not groan in his spirit for a world that is so hungry to worship something, someone, anything.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Birthday Reflections

So here we are. 27. Only three short years from the dreaded 3-0. Strangely enough I find the passing of time a little disconcerting. Why, only yesterday I was just 15, without a care in the world....Well, I had cares, but there was plenty of time to work it all out.

I feel old today. That is not to say that 27 is so very old at all. Perhaps it is, rather, that I am feeling the swift passage of time. I know that the next few years will fly by, and I find myslef envying those younger people around me the two or three years difference in our ages. Perhaps it is simply that I am regretting wasted time. So much of it has been squandered on worrying, or refusing to be content in the situation I am found, constantly pushing toward some future happiness. And yet, I find that here in that once longed for future, I wish only for the past.

It is strange to have a birthday affect me so. There was no heartache in turning 25, and I shed no tears over the passage into 26. But I cannot abide 27. Those older than me might find fit to take offense at my trifling over such an insignificant number. Even now, I know that 27 is still young. In fact, when it comes to the bigger decisions I feel the inexperience of my age. I hardly seem prepared to embark on any sort of major decision without the counsel of my husband and parents. Having a career, parenthood, any sort of significant purchase--I don't feel ready for these. And yet, I do not wish to rush forward into the years to come. I am afraid.

June is a difficult month in some ways. It was at this time two years ago that I lost my grandmother. She was the only grandparent I really knew growing up. All of the others passed away before I had the chance to really know them. For the same reason, hers was the first death to really hit home with me. The permanence of loss struck me hard and I am often moved to tears when blindsighted by some memory long forgotten: The way she made biscuits. Her fingers covered with flour and dough. Jelly jars. Antique stores. Dress up clothes. Kissing the soft skin of her cheek. Waving to her as we pulled out of her drive. These things sneak up on me and remind me that the past is unreachable and I cannot go back there.

Upon further reflection I am convinced that my feelings regarding my birthday must be connected to the sadness conjured up by the anniversary of my grandmother's death. Together these are manifested as the fear I feel of moving forward and losing time. I find myself paniced some nights at the thought of losing my parents. It is almost as if I can feel the earth turning beneath me, moving us all toward the inevitable separation of death. As a Christian I know that I should feel a sense of hope in the promise of eternity. However, there are so many questions, that I find myself pondering the unknown. Will we know one another? Will we share the same laughter? Will we feel the same love?

These seem rather depressing birthday reflections, I know. So, I must channel them into something positive. Here, at 27, I must resolve to love better, and to cherish every moment. So, here and now, having purged myself of all negative thoughts regarding my birthday, I will begin to enjoy the occasion and celebrate the blessing of another year.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Posted by Hello

Well, here it is, just as I promised. Gruesome, isn't it!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

In the beginning...

Have no fear, good people! I have now created my own blog in which I will share with you out of my knowledge, wisdom, and extensive life experience! And if you believe that, I'll tell you another. The truth of the matter is, having recently graduated from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, I feel that I must do something in order to commemorate this closing chapter of my life while at the same time inaugurating the next. As I stand on the brink of a new journey I feel that I must chronicle those wacky happenings and unexpected twists and turns that will make it an adventure. So, I hope you will check in from time to time. Now, without further ado, I give you "Adventures in House Cleaning!"

Terrel (my husband) and I are recent graduates of SWBTS, as I mentioned before. We now find ourselves in a precarious position, job searching and playing the waiting game. In the interim I have had the opportunity to make a little money cleaning houses. It's definitely hard work, but it's good money too...and it never ceases to be interesting. Hard to believe, I know. Last week I went for my first solo job at a new house. I had cleaned this house before with my friend, DeAnne, and while we were there, in the farthest corner of the house we passed a door that looked none too ominous. My friend warned me not to be deceived, for behind that door lurked a monster cat of phenomenal proportions who's choice dinner was house cleaning ladies. Knowing that my friend had a kind of phobia when it came to cats, I took the story to be mostly exaggeration on her part due to her fear and a previous confrontation with said monster cat. I, for one, love cats and I fancied myself to be somewhat of a cat whisperer. On top of that, my dad is a veterinarian and I worked with him as an assistant for close to three years. I figured there was not a cat in the world that I couldn't handle, no matter how big and bad it may seem. Oh how very wrong I was....

On the day in question I arrived at the house ready to clean my little heart out and make it shine like the top of the Chrysler building. I headed to the very farthest corner of the house to start on the bathrooms. Having forgotten some cleaning implement or another in the front of the house, I turned to leave the room and found my self face to shins with the largest long-haired orange tabby I have ever seen in my life. Startled, I quickly tried to regain my composure and passed the tabby by with affected nonchalonce. Upon my return I found the gentleman waiting for me outside the door. I stopped and spoke to him in a soft voice, asking him, "are you a nice kitty?" Allowing him to get a good sniff of my hand, I reached down and cautiously scratched him on the head. He immediately tensed up, so I withdrew, but not in time to avoid his latching on to my right leg and gnawing on it like it was a thanksgiving turkey drum stick. I was shocked and immediately retreated into the master bathroom.

At first I thought that it was merely a flesh wound, just a scratch, but then I realized that I had sustained a truly henious bite wound. No sooner had I examined my gushing calf that the monster emerged from the hallway. Laying his ears back he hissed and growled, backing me into a corner. There were no doors to close, no counters to climb onto, nothing between him and me. We stood there for several minutes, deadlocked. My mind scrambled to find a way out. Of course I could have launched a physical assault, but my leg cried out in pain and I had no wish to get close enough for him to grab a second bite. Despite the distinct advantage of my relative size, the snarling cat's razor sharp fangs and Freddy Krueger claws kept me at bay. There I was, held hostage by an animal only a sixth my size, despairing of life and limb. I felt rediculous. As our standoff continued, I realized that it would have to be him or me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that there was a bottle of Tilex sitting on the edge of the bath tub, just within reach. It was my only chance at fending the beast off, so I took it. Spraying with gusto, I advanced. The beast recoiled, hissing a spitting, and finally retreated under the bed.

The amazing thing about that day was that I managed to get the house clean. When I returned to the front of the house, intent upon finishing the job psycho cat or not, he followed me. I turned the corner, and there he was, ready for round two. Throughout the day I managed to fend him off with a bottle of Windex. (Don't worry PETA people, I eventually switched over to a water bottle so that the chemicals wouldn't hurt him.) I finally got monster cat locked up in the back room so that I could work without the danger of him coming back for seconds. Even so, I was incredibly jumpy for the rest of the time that I was there. It was like something out of a Stephen King novel. This is a true story. Not even the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Stay tuned for more wacky mishaps and keep a look out for a picture of my gorgeous gams brutally disfigured by monster cat fang marks.